A buddy of mine sent this to me in email. I felt it was meaningful this time of year. It contains but a few edits.
Holiday Eating Tips:
- Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving cheese balls.
- If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy — to use it on food. Gravy does not stand alone. Gravy makes bad leftovers, so pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
- As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission. Or kissing your sister.
- Do not have a snack at home before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Go hungry. Return filled.
- Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s Day. If you do that, what purpose would your New Year’s Resolutions have? This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food.
- If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Eat them while standing so they digest more easily. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention.
- Don’t wait until after you’ve eaten the main course before loading your dessert plate. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again. Eat pie. Eat cookies. Eat cake — except fruitcake. Leave the fruitcake for next year.
- If you’re given a gift in advance of Christmas, open it immediately in case it is food. If it is food, do not refrigerate it. Instead, eat it immediately.
- Did I mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, you have to have SOME standards.
- One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention.
Remember, life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather life is a sideways skid, chocolate in one hand and turkey leg in the other, totally worn out and screaming, “WOO HOO what a ride!”